I was at this queer techno rave recently. I hadn’t been to one in a while and it felt like a transcendental experience. I was drifting through this sea of people. The steamy air was almost like fog and there was just very dim light, mostly red and sometimes flashings of blue. It was hard to really see things in detail. In this situation everybody looked very muscular, masculine and hot. Every other guy looked for a brief, subjective moment like my boyfriend.
Getting into the Music
My mind was circulating through different stages: falling into the music, disassociation, closing my eyes and seeing geometric or fractal patterns - similar to the plant leaves from the lego set that I was playing with earlier. This stage felt similar to meditation: at peace, in resonance, good and complete by myself, not minding the outside world and the rest of life. It was easier for me to experience this with eyes closed, because some peoples’ movements around me or guys vigorously kissing could throw me a bit off. Though I didn’t want to shut myself visually completely off like that, so I started experimenting with my eyes open: defocussing and just letting the visuals come a move projected onto a screen, but not disturb me.
Thinking Noise
This evening my hearing was oversensitive, I could seemingly hear everyone talk, everywhere, relentlessly, as if right next to my ear. Although I didn’t really understand it word by word, it was more like a massive collection of noise competing with the music. Did some people come there to have a conversation? Then my mind started to ruminate more, losing the connection to the music. I was not just being there by myself, I got caught up in contemplating all the social aspects of being human and being there. I tried to imagine the perspective of how I appear being there as perceived by other people. How I look to them. What my movements are like in their eyes. Even why I am there and what I am after. Whether it’s for similar reasons and with a similar mindset as other people or not. Whether being there makes me connected to them by this shared experience or if that doesn’t mean much. I noticed the fact itself that I started to think so much and then wondered if that happens to people too. Do they also wonder how other people perceive them?
Switching Back
And after getting in a more and more overthinking state of mind, suddenly a different voice in my head told me: damn all this mind chatter! If it was just quiet inside this head. You’re here. Your mind is expanding, getting out of your everyday stuff… but you have not found enlightenment yet, if you’re still thinking all this nonsense for which there is no need right here and now.
So I tried to let go. And fell back into the music and enjoyed it for a bit.
I went through several cycles between these different states that night.
The Third State
Another state was driven by an undercurrent of horniness and hunting instinct: all these hot guys here. I want to have some fun with someone. So a few times I went roaming around. There were people giving me interested and intense looks, but somehow no one spoke to me, so I was passing by. And - seemingly - within just a split second those people would then be kissing a random other person. Crazy how quick they clicked. Sometimes I thought just being there, just trying to feel myself and be my presence, would attract interesting experiences and connections. But maybe my truth for that night was that I didn’t want any of that really. Perceiving many people seemingly resembling my partner might just be a sign that I didn’t want somebody else.
Another time I was at a similar party: it was smaller, and I ran into somebody on the stairs who gave me a compliment for my clothes and there was a spark and tension in that moment. But I was not in an agreement to make out with other people then, so I returned the compliment friendly and moved on. In a way I hoped to experience this again now, maybe even the same guy. But it just all felt different then. And this here is just too big, too many people and too steamy.
What Do Other People Do?
I wondered if some other people are also just wandering around and switching states between feeling a bit lost and connecting with the music. I guess a lot of people were more social though. Sometimes I ran into people from my friend group: we would give each other nods and smiles and stay dancing together for a moment until dispersing again.
At some point I even thought the place is like slaughterhouse for pigs (maybe not so much the slaughtering part, but the being penned up part). When this thought entered my head, I knew it would soon be time to leave, I would not enjoy this more than I already did.
The slaughterhouse is an odd comparison, but a few days later somebody pointed out to me where it came from: I had watched Spirited Away recently where humans turn into pigs and monsters come to a bathhouse, that must have subconsciously inspired me.
Back to Reality
The world looked a bit different when stepping out. Compared to the dim light and steam inside, the SOMA street at night looked crisp, bright and calm (a rare impression of SOMA streets). There were a bunch of homeless people and junkies right around and I thought what a weird world we live in where this is right next to each other.
I went home in a Waymo, because I was looking forward to just being by myself in a cabin with no other humans. At home I took forever to work myself from the back stairs, laundry room and kitchen to the bathroom. I got naked and stood on the landing of the back stairs and stared into the sky for an eternity.
Personal After Party
I wanted to drink water, turned on the tap and as water was running on my fingers, I just looked at the flow of water for minutes and tried to arrange my hands in such a way that the water would make a pleasant noise when dripping down from one hand to the other to the sink. Something in me decided to go into a weird stretch pose and put my leg onto the kitchen counter and hang out like this in front of the water running down my hands.
Eventually I made it to bed and kissed my boyfriend in his sleep and I was very happy that he was there.